The Nice Cult's Current Doctrine

The Nice Cult is an evolving internet cult that is being developed from the ground-up on the weekly podcast:  Mom I Joined a Cult . Expect the list of beliefs below to frequently be edited and added to. Visit often for updated dogma and life-changing directives. 

see, Renaldo's moving, he must be real!
  • The Nice Cult began August 5, 1998 by Renaldo DiCaprio (pictured above – Is he wearing glasses or not? This is one of Renaldo’s great mysteries). Since he is a fictional character, we chose the first name any of us could think of. Since a photo of him does not exist, we generated one at random using the website https://thispersondoesnotexist.com  A leader who doesn’t exist can’t make mistakes and If things “go south” we have only him to blame. (belief adopted episode 1 of the MIJAC podcast. Read Renaldo’s backstory here) 
  • At the end of your time here on earth, If you live your life in a way that pleases Renaldo, you go to “The Nice Place”. We’re not sure what The Nice Place is like but we can piece it together from things we imagine Renaldo might like. Take this tastefully decorated apartment for example: (belief adopted episode 2 of the MIJAC podcast) 
  • Take time to celebrate the little things in life whether it’s by yourself, with friends, family, or fellow cult members. (from the collected writings of Renaldo V7 p.243)

From each episode, we’ve adopted at least one practice or belief that we feel fits Renaldo’s Vision of what a Nice Cult should be.  Here are the doctrines we’ve gathered so far:

Season 1:

  • Episode 1 – The Guardians
    • Create a infallible leader Dead or non-existent (Renaldo DeCaprio)
    • Started collecting sacred “Words from Renaldo” for member edification.
  • Episode 2 – NXIVM
    • Followed the NXVIM practice of “branding” with a “Branded” Nice Cult T-Shirt!
    • Recognized Renaldo the Nice Cult Founder…..
  • Episode 3 – Order of Assassins
    • Order of Assassins were onto something by leaving hot cakes by the bedside of those they wanted to ‘influence’.  The Nice Cult now celebrates Hot Cake Day on February 2nd.
    • Started the observance of “Stories of Renaldo” to share inspirational sitings in the wild of our illustrious leader…
  • Episode 4 – Warren Jeffs – FLDS
    • FLDS aren’t the only ones who can interpret holy writings to suit their fancies.  We also believe in the private interpretation of Renaldo’s words.  His words touch each one of us personally..
    • “Magisterium Collecti” were appointed: James Taylor, George Michael, Leonard Nimoy 
  • Episode 5 – Q-anon
    • “Q” doesn’t require any special membership ritual, their followers can announce their allegiance by just wearing a symbol on their shirts. So now wearing a Nice Cult T-shirt automatically makes you a member!  Wear our sign with pride!
    • [Secret messages]
    • “Renaldo’s DiCaprio’s Favorites” Spotify playlist was arranged
    • “Garrison Ford” recognized as The Nice Cult’s antagonist and nemesis.
      • Invented Mosquitoes
      • Leader of “The Worst Cult”
      • First Class “A-Hole”  
  • Episode 6 – Why Would you Join a Cult?
  • Episode 7 – Heaven’s Gate
    • Heaven’s Gate offered “Alien Abduction Insurance”, why can’t we? 
    • The Nice Cult Hot Air Balloon can be used in the nice place and here.
    • Nice Cult dune buggy and radio-controlled dune buggy will take your soul to the nice place.
    • Added to Magisterium Collecti – Isaac Asimov
    • Keep yourself “Spiritually warm” with the new Nice Cult Blanket.  A convenient notice to others that you are “Part of the Away team”.
  • Episode 8 – Mom I Joined a Coup
    • Cult membership gives you the reason to be a “Conscientious Objector”.  Renaldo wouldn’t want you to hurt anyone.  That isn’t nice.
  • Episode 9 – Aussie Jesus (aka: AJ Miller)
    • Just like Aussie Jesus in human form, Nice Cult leaders are falleeuhble, and our doctrine is malleable, subject to change to suit our needs. (including this one)  We’re only human, after all.
    • V9 – 1 fruit better than V8
    • The Nice Cult shall not Prophecy of future events (rookie mistake!)
    • Added to Magisterium Collecti – Paul McCartney
    • Any Magisterium Collecti will be knighted by us if they show up
  • Episode 10-11 – Zion in Missouri
    • Just like RB and Zion, The Nice Cult is starting our own college: “The University of Niceness”, and granting ourselves custom degrees and titles.
  • Episode 12 – Jonestown
    • Jonestown had a compound.  We get to have a compound! (TBD)
    • Community outreach.  – We handed out water and grape Kool-Ade at a local 4th of July parade.
  • Episode 13 – S1 recap
    • Patreon members get access to bonus content.  Including our Sauna Worship Sessions (title subject to change) 

Season 2:

  • Episode 1 – Remnant Fellowship
    • TNC holiday: “Chick Fil-A Night” – celebrate by ordering Chick Fil-A nuggets after sundown on October 14th
  • Episode 2 – Why would you Join a Cult?
    • BITE Model of Nice Cult [hint: we didn’t score very high]
    • “Founding 4” will have the final word in the interpretation of Renaldo’s words.
  • Episode 3 – The Manson Family
    • Free Smiles
    • Dune Buggy full size, like Charles Manson’s, but nicer!
    • The Mansons had some interesting ideas on how to save the world.  Maybe their hearts were in the right place.  We’ll try to prevent the end of the world too.
  • Episode 4 – Ghost Dance
    • Nice cult dance… If you dance while wearing NC shirt you gain Renaldo’s blessings.
  • Episode 5 – The Moonies
    • weapons with religion = bad!  The Nice Cult does not condone enforcing our beliefs with firearms.
    • We can’t preform mass marriages, but Renaldo will bless your current marriage with a Nice Cult blessing.
    • Celebrate “Bringing Home the Rice Day” to celebrate your marriage on, or around, your wedding anniversary. 
  • Episode 6 – Valley of the Islamic Dolls
    • Added to Magisterium Collecti – Patrick Stewart
    • If you donate 1 Million dollars – the nice cult will fly out and build you a sauna with a goat ritual (non-sacrificial).
    • If nice cult earns $4-million we will give some money back to a charitable cause!
    • Baby Goat (our Cult mascot goat named: “Baby”) is part of the cult picture to be uploaded on site
    • The Nice cult needs a lawyer willing to contribute time pro-bono to help us become a real not-for-profit org.
  • Episode 7 – Aum Shinrikyo 
    • A cult should not have tanks, saran gas, and weapons.
    • Aum Shinrikyo advertised with Manga – we have manga characters being created for the Nice Cult’s Founders.
  • Episode 8 – The Order of the Claw
    • We now have a Nice Cult “Bishop” who will read your confessions… On the Air, like it was meant to be! 
    • Updated our sound track to include sacred chanting suitable for confessions
    • Fabian Andrade is Colonel
  • Episode 9 – Summum
    • Added to Magisterium collecti – Julia Roberts
    • Water Thrice blessed by Renaldo “Renaldo’s precious fluids”
  • Episode 10 – Thuggee
    • We Believe in a Nice place
    • The Bad Place is just a little worse than the Nice Place
    • If you Think about killing someone you must buy a Nice cult blanket to be forgiven.
    • Be kind to travelers 
  • Episode 11 – Rajneesh
    • “8 Nice and Holy Suggestions” will be written – etched indelibly on this page for all to see and obey! (if they feel like it)  [TBD]
    • We’re going to make a Renaldo meditation candle that you can like while chanting “Renaldo is nice…”
  • Episode 12 – Dionysis
    • Piñata Party
    • Pageant
    • Added to the list of Holy Suggestions.
  • Episode 13 – Sai Baba
    • Talisman of Renaldo
  • Episode 14 – Scientology
    • Renaldo will have a back story
    • Nice Cult will have a Skee-doo or canoe available on our store.
  • Episode 15 – The Iron Rod
    • A “Nice hazing” ceremony will be practiced for new members.
    • We’ll be selling a Nice Cult motorcycle patch for our emerging Cult Motorcycle gang (and our future road trip)
  • Episode 16 – The Ant Hill Kids
    •  Occasionally a cult doesn’t have anything good for aspiring cults to emulate.  The Ant hill Kids were one of these cults.
  • Episode 17 – Brian David Mitchell
    • Made the James Taylor song: “Something in the way she moves” a formal hymn.
    • We invited our listeners to create a background story for Renaldo and Garrison
    • We encourage members to take a memorial hike to enjoy nature, and remember Renaldo, and all the nice things he’s done.
    • Added Bill Murray to the Magisterium Collecti
  • Episode 18 – KKK
    • Like the KKK, and any good cult, we can ostracized people from our group who are terminally not-nice.  Thus, Garrison Ford was removed from the cult by Renaldo, by taking away his Sauna towel.
  • Episode 19 – Dream Mine
    • Many people dream of buried treasure.  Nathan is one of those people and we are selling shares in Nathan’s back-yard dream mine. (“Renaldo’s Gold”)
  • Episode 20 – LeBarrons
    • Like the LeBarrons after the infamy of their past, we reserve the right to revise our cult beliefs when they don’t serve us anymore.

Season 3

  • Episode 1 – Recap of Season 2 
    • We briefly cover each episode in season 2 and talk about what we took from each cult. We also play a Nice Cult game  
  • Episode 2 – Unicult
    • We talk to the founder of Unicult.. Unicole Unicron. Probably the nicest cult outside of The Nice Cult. She was very generous with her time. We bring on her mantra… “We’re all One”
  • Episode 3 -Love has One
    •   This cult started by Amy Carlson was a cult of personality. An alcoholic, abusive personality. Find out why she ended up dead and decorated with Christmas lights in the backroom of a home. 
  • Episode 4 – Twelve Tribes
    • We talk about The Nice Cult Calendar whtat will be coming out in December 2023. We discuss how this keeps getting in trouble for child labor and how they started the 2021 Colorado wildfire that damaged over 1000 homes. 

List of Nice and Holy Suggestions:

  1. If thou art the cause for The Nice Cult to not meet at its designated place and time, thou shalt make amends in the form of refreshments to all you have deprived of receiving Renaldo’s blessings.
  2. Thou shalt treat others nice, as thou would have others treat thee
  3. Thou might purchase a Nice Cult t-shirt to show thy support for Renaldo and his Nice Cult.
  4. Thou art not properly attired without a smile.
  5. Thou shalt take the last cookie.
  6. If thou thinkest thou art nice, thou canst always be nicer.
  7. Serve all Love all

More beliefs will be added as the founders of The Nice Cult discover new and worthy dogma for its “many” followers to enjoy. Renaldo wUniU